Landoman Album Reviews #3: Taylor Swift - The Life of a Showgirl

There's hardly a name more unavoidable in pop culture discourse than that of Taylor Swift. Between her massive musical presence, her relationship with Travis Kelce, and the massive army of fans she's accumulated over the years, her impact on pop culture is undeniable. It's not like there's not a reason behind that. She's got some bangers. "New Romantics", "Style", "Blank Space", and "Wildest Dreams" are all great pop songs from the 2010s, and "Exile" was one of my favorite songs of 2020. I understand the appeal. She's a gifted songwriter with a good voice who came off as relatable and heartfelt in a lot of ways. So, with her new album... this is a necessary review. 

The pop music of 2025 has been dead. Outside of the leftovers from last year ("Beautiful Things", "Lose Control", and "A Bar Song (Tipsy)"), the biggest songs of this year have been mostly boring. Songs like "Ordinary" by Alex Warren and "Golden" by HUNTR/X have topped the Billboard Hot 100 recently, and while I don't think either of them are bad, they're also not Best List material. It also doesn't help that the biggest pop names of last year have just been throwing up bricks with their new stuff. Chappell Roan's "The Giver", while good, was a commercial flop, and "The Subway" didn't fare much better. Sabrina Carpenter's Man's Best Friend didn't make nearly as much buzz as Short and Sweet did (although I do really love "Manchild"). Things are so dire that some of the most popular songs of the current moment are songs from multiple years ago, as seen by the arrival of "Party 4 U" by Charli XCX, "Sparks" by Coldplay, and "Breakin' Dishes" by Rihanna on the Hot 100. Even "Anxiety" by Doechii was an album track from 2019 that took over TikTok this year. The point is, we need some new music to break up the blandness the charts are offering right now, and Taylor Swift seems like the exact right person to do that.

Taylor Swift announced The Life of a Showgirl on August 13th, leaving a lot of people curious as to what her 12th studio album would offer. I was also curious, even though I'm not a huge fan. I was not a fan of The Tortured Poets Department, so I was hoping this would be an upgrade. There was a lot of hype, especially considering the collaboration between her and Sabrina Carpenter that was announced as the last track of the album. I noticed, looking through the tracklist though, that some of these song names seem... wildly pretentious. Yep, that's a Taylor Swift album. Let's get into it.

TRACK REVIEWS

The Life of a Showgirl begins with "The Fate of Ophelia". Ophelia is a character from Hamlet who passes away from drowning after going insane due to the actions of Hamlet. This song is pretty decent. The intro reminds me of John Legend's "All Of Me", which isn't necessarily a bad thing - I like that song's intro. The production is fine and I like the bounciness of some of it. The reverb on Taylor's voice is a bit much in my opinion, though. The song is about how the person she's in love with (Travis Kelce) saved her from a fate of insanity. It's a nice little song to begin the album, and I exit hoping for more to build off of this.

It turns out, however, that the highlights of the album are over. "Elizabeth Taylor" is the next song on the album, and it's an overdramatic slog where Taylor complains about how "Hollywood hates [her]", "it doesn't feel so glamorous to be [her]", and "[she] has everything and nothing all at once". Taylor, I don't want to hear this crap from you. You are one of the richest people on the face of the planet. You're the most overexposed pop star of all time. I can understand a song about how you would be hurt if your lover leaves, but to act like you have nothing - please. Save it. This sucks.

"Opalite" is track 3, and I like how this sounds. It's got a smooth guitar feel to it, and Taylor's voice is produced well here. This is definitely one of the better songs on the album. I like the use of unusual color names (definitely better than calling it "blue" or "violet"), so I'll give her credit. The song is about how she went through the blackest (onyx) night, before getting to the blue (opalite) sky by "mak[ing] [her] own sunshine". I vibe with this. It's pretty good, a lot better than the last song especially. 

Up next is "Father Figure", which has a very similar drum beat to "Boom Clap" by Charli XCX... which is funny... you'll see. This song is a bit of trainwreck in a very funny way. It's about an old record label CEO Taylor's been associated with, and how he'd protect her and the other musicians at the labels. Yeah, to be honest, the only notable thing about the song is the line "I can make deals with the devil because my dick's bigger", while the rest of the song is just kind of boring. There's nothing unique about how this sounds to me, and I find the production of this just mediocre. At least this song turned up this Genius screenshot...

"Eldest Daughter" reminds me how I hate Taylor's pretentiousness sometimes... just look at the lyric "I have been afflicted by a terminal uniqueness". I hate that lyric with a burning passion, not because it's bad, but because it just reeks of narcissism. Anyway... this is a piano ballad that goes into some acoustic guitar later on. The song is about her loyalty to her lover, and it sounds great. I like how this sounds, with some very dramatic chord progressions later on to give it that oomph. I'd call this decent. 

The next song is "Ruin The Friendship" is a song about an old high school friendship Taylor had that she wanted to turn into an actual romantic thing, but she was too scared that she'd ruin their friendship. Eventually, he passed away and she whispers at his grave the main line of the song "should've kissed you anyway". Unfortunately, I don't think this has the emotional power that Taylor wants it to. The chords don't have as much power as they should and the song's far too upbeat for the message she has. I don't necessarily hate it, but it's not very good.

Track 7 is... the bad one. "Actually Romantic" is the diss track towards Charli XCX that people warned me about. This is easily the worst song so far. The production is undercooked, with not a single element having the power to make a song like this work. It also doesn't help that the lyrics are genuinely terrible. This feels like a 13-year-old writing Facebook statuses hoping that her perceived nemesis looks at it, not one of the most popular songwriters of our generation. If there's one thing I know about Taylor, it's that she does NOT handle beef well ("Look What You Made Me Do", "Bad Blood"). This song just further proves it. 

'Wi$h Li$t" (stylized like this because Taylor is 10 year old apparently) is about all of the things other people want and comparing them to the things she wants. During this song, Taylor talks about how other people want "yacht life", "an Oscar on their bathroom floor", "a contract with Real Madrid" and "three dogs that they call their kids", amongst other things. Then, what does Taylor want if she doesn't want those things? Travis Kelce, that's right! She also apparently wants to have a couple kids and a basketball hoop. I think this song is fine.. more mediocre than anything. The sound is once again undercooked, and the vocals don't mesh well with it. Overall, it's not particularly good or bad.

Track #9 is "Wood", which isn't my favorite track on the album - and no, it's not because it's sexual. It's because the entendres in this song honestly just flat out suck. "Knock on wood"? Really? That's just so dumb and unoriginal. Surely a songwriter as acclaimed as Taylor Swift could come up with something a little more clever? "Forgive me, it sounds cocky." WHAT. Yeah, I'm just gonna call it right there. She's not even trying. Taylor is washed. Her songwriting sucks, her music sucks, everything sucks. I'm just gonna move on to the next song.

And... the next song is called "Cancelled!". What is this, 2020? Listening to this... this sucks too. Taylor seems to be learning a lot from the internet. Taylor Swift is one to talk about how people get cancelled considering she may actually be the single most uncancelable person in the world. This song is another over-dramatic slog that may actually be the worst-sounding song on the album. Give some of your oomph to the undercooked stuff of this album, maybe? I hate this.

Up next.. we have a straight-up trap beat in "Honey". I like this. This actually sounds pretty cool. The trap production mixed with the piano instrumental sounds pretty good. While I wouldn't say the lyrics are special, I would say I like how the song tells stories about times when she was called "sweetheart" and "honey" to show how important this new moment is to her. It's definitely one of the better songs on the album. This shows a lot more maturity than the last few songs have, so I appreciate it a lot.

Finally, we have the title track "The Life of a Showgirl", a collaboration with Sabrina Carpenter. This was probably the most anticipated song for me, considering I really like Sabrina's music. I'd say this was a disappointment. It's (once again) too underdeveloped and missing something that would've given it that push to power. The story of this song is about a performer who tells Sabrina and Taylor when they were younger that they won't ever be, or even want to be, "showgirls". The end is them proving her wrong before fading into the end of a concert with Taylor thanking the band, the dancers, and Sabrina, and saying goodnight. As much as the song was underwhelming, I do think this was a good ending. I like that part of it. A good ending to what was... definitely an album.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I don't know what I came in expecting, but it wasn't this. Taylor is supposed to be an auteur, somebody that shows signs of complete control and excellence over her music. Instead, I get an album that shows someone who has fallen off to the point I fear there is no return. This album is bad. Not a single song on this album reaches the level of past a 6/10 for me, although a couple get to that level. This is not only bad, but it's her worst album by a large margin. I didn't even like The Tortured Poets Department, but this doesn't feel even as good as that. This is so much worse. The production is bare-bones (especially for a Max Martin project), the lyricism is clumsy at best and pretentiously bad at worst, and it doesn't click whatsoever. Even on the good songs, there's still something missing. 

Overall, when I tallied the score, I ended up with a 3.1/10. That is in my "bad" tier when it comes to reviewing music, and that's lower than I would probably rank any other Taylor album I've heard. As for the diversity of the scores, 4 songs ended up at a 5/10 or higher (with 2 receiving a 6/10), while 3 different songs received a 0/10 score. While I praised the consistent excellence of Don't Tap The Glass, I will condemn the consistent badness of The Life of a Showgirl with this final score.

FINAL SCORE: 31/100

THE BEST AND THE WORST

Just like for Tyler's album, I'm gonna roll with 3 songs for both categories. The 3 best was a lot harder to figure out than the 3 worst, so that should tell you what I thought of this album overall.

THE TOP 3 BEST SONGS ON THE LIFE OF A SHOWGIRL

3. "Opalite"

2. "The Life of a Showgirl" (with Sabrina Carpenter)

1. "The Fate of Ophelia"

THE TOP 3 WORST SONGS ON THE LIFE OF A SHOWGIRL

3. "Wood"

2. "Cancelled!"

1. "Actually Romantic"

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Anyways, that's all I've got for today. This was a doozy. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this, and I'm glad to be able to join you on this awesome Friday (or whatever day you're reading). I've got some more stuff planned, too! The 2016 best list is still in process, the 2025 best and worst lists will be coming out in December, and there's a couple new yearly lists I want to write. As always, this is Lando from The Landoman Experiment, signing off!